Voodoo Revisited #5

Continued from part 4

OK, so this is it. The fifth and final installment of Voodoo Revisited. I realize you're all probably sick to death of me yammering about Pacific Northwest Nuts, with all their cereal ostentation and artificially-flavored powder. But a menu as extensive and outlandish as Voodoo's deserves such attention, and who knows when Blognut will get to Portland again? Plus, how many Doughnut shops offer Swahili lessons every Monday night!?

You might think it's unreasonable to visit the same Doughnut shop three times in one day. Especially since in part 3 we preached the importance of moderating one's daily Nut intake. But this was our last day in Portland, and impending fear that this was our last chance to set foot inside the great Voodoo Doughnut for quite some time, drove our hunger to previously unattained levels. So with another cup of Stumpy joe in hand, Tuesday morning we entered Voodoo for the third-to-last time.

Though we only bought one Nut, it carried the weight of at least a dozen (both literally and figuratively). Named for the posse of assistants and friends who accompanied Elvis from 1956 until the day he died, the Memphis Mafia is infamous around Portland. You can't be a super-sized banana fritter, topped with peanut butter, mounds of glaze, peanuts and chocolate chips and not build up some sort of a reputation. And how does it compare with The Doughnut Plant's equally Elvis-inspired Peanut Butter Glazed stuffed with Banana Cream? Just as delicious but far more intimidating, with its mound of toppings and mercuric density. And while it definitely brings to mind the King's classic grilled peanut butter and naner sandwich, the MM has much more happening in terms of flavor and texture thanks to the massive hardened globs of glaze, chocolate chips and crunchy peanuts. Plus the banana flavor is way more potent then you think it's going to be. A Nut among Nuts, the Memphis Mafia is certainly near the top of the Voodoo roster.

Now I forget what exactly we did next. But I know we basically killed time until it felt appropriate to return to Voodoo without seeming insane to the girl working the register. "Hello again," said the Doughnut Girl, "Back for more I see!" "Yep. Just wanted to see if you had any of those really big glazed Doughnuts?" "I assume you mean the Tex-ass. And no, we don't. But if you check back in a few hours we should have some." Perfect. Now we had an excuse to go back for a third time in one day. But as long as we were there, why not pick up a few Nuts to tide us over, you know?

So we ordered a Tang-fastic and a Butter Fingering (Voodoo just doesn't stop with these cleverly perverse names). We ate them both in the car on the way to the Bridgeport Brewery in the Pearl District, similar to NYC's Meatpacking district, minus all the idiots and celebrities.

The Tang-fastic was fang-tastic. A plain cake Nut with vanilla frosting, sprinkled with America's favorite powdered kitsch (although I don't know anyone who actually drinks it). And they definitely don't skimp on the Tang, as you can see by the ever-so-orange photo above. The foundation for the Tang-fastic is Voodoo's frosted plain cake (our first ever Voodoo Nut by the way - see Part 1), but the powerful Tangy bite shadows any semblence of taste similarity. And while the three mini marshmallows resting atop the Nut don't do much in the way of flavor, they are nice to look at. Sort of a prize for getting to the center, like one of those European Christmas cakes with jewelry hidden inside. Except no one loses any teeth when they get to the marshmallows.

Next up, the Butter Fingering. Back in July, field-correspondent Beta Blognut doled out a perfect 10.0 to this candy-coated Nut (which he referred to as the Butterfinger Ring, and was appropriately reprimanded for). And after trying it for myself, I'd have to agree. Devil's-food cake dough, vanilla frosting and loads of Butterfinger crumbs make for an absolutely perfect Nut. Voodoo has successfully joined one of my favorite Candy Bars (second only to 5th Avenue, the most underrated candy bar of all time) with my favorite of all foods. Well done.

For the next few hours we downed microbrews at Bridgeport, resting up for our final go at Voodoo.

Alright. We'd given them enough time to make the Tex-ass. It was nightfall and our plane would leave in two hours, so this was our last chance at the giant Nut. A short drive later and we found ourselves walking into Voodoo for the last time - a sad occasion for sure. But the three giant Doughnuts resting on a tray behind the counter soon lifted our mood. "We'll have a Tex-ass please. And while you're at it, throw in a Voodoo Man, a Peanut Butter Oreo (which I think is called the Ol' Dirty Bastard) and a Bacon Maple Bar." What a way to close our Portland Nut Experience - one Doughnut covered in greasy pork, one flaunting a pretzel phallus and one the size of my head (plus the Peanut Butter Oreo).

Voodoo Doll.

We stepped outside and while standing beneath the glowing Voodoo sign, bit deeply into our doughy voodoo doll. He bled raspberry jelly. Basically a chocolate-frosted jelly-filled, save the tiny pretzel stick protruding from his nether region, the Nut tasted far simpler than it looked.

We then pulled out the Peanut Butter Oreo, which is Voodoo at its best. A fat and airy ball of yeast dough smeared with chocolate icing, peanut butter and crumbled oreos, the PBO was absolutely REEE-DICULOUS. It's certainly the most decadent Nut we had at Voodoo, but without the overwhelming sweetness of the cereal-based Nuts we swallowed in Part 2. It's so complex, it's hard to really know what's happening while chewing it. A blast chocolate gives way to a powerful Oreoness, both of which disappear once the peanut butter hits. It's a chewy, gobby mess of delicious.

Mrs. Blognut holding Tex-ass.

We then pulled out the Tex-ass. This was hands down the most impressive Nut we'd ever seen. Something about the plain-glazed simplicity inflated to such epic proportions had Blognut mesmerized - we just couldn't bring ourselves to eat it. We passed it back and forth for nearly 10 minutes, neither of us able to make the first move. Instead we put it back in the box, agreeing to freeze it and try again next year on our anniversary. And that was it.

On the way to the airport Mrs. Blognut asked me if I was sick of doughnuts yet. "No," I replied.


The next morning, sitting at our breakfast table, we dined on our final Voodoo Nut - the Bacon Maple Bar. A work of genius really, the BMB is the pancakes, the syrup and the bacon, all in one – it's the complete breakfast. We savored every last bite of this salty-sweet creation, happy to be home, but longing for our next taste of Voodoo.

Voodoo Box.

Parting Shot.


Doughnut Scores:

Memphis Mafia -

Fang-tastic -

Butter Fingering -

Voodoo Doughnut (voodoo doll) -

Peanut Butter Oreo (ODB?) -

Maple Bacon Bar -

Tex-ass - score will be announced September 24th, 2007

Voodoo Revisited #4

Continued from part 3 (to get the most out of your Blognut experience, and to familiarize yourself with any necessary back-story, make sure to read Voodoo Revisited in chronological order)

It was now Monday morning. Having nearly kicked our sugar hangover, Mrs. Blognut and I were more than ready for our next batch of Doughnuts. We rolled up to Voodoo around 10:00 that morning agreeing to avoid anything even remotely involving cereal. Now Blognut loves Doughnuts. And Blognut loves eating lots of Doughnuts in a short amount of time. But the 5+ Nuts we had the day before may have been slightly over-ambitious. When embarking on a 4-day Doughnut binge, one must pace oneself. So this time we only ordered three: a Blazer Blunt, a Grape Ape, and an Arnold Palmer.

We then took our Bag of Nuts down the street to another Portland staple – Stumptown Coffee. With a DJ table in the back, and ambient electronica pulsing through the room, the ultra-modern Stumptown space definitely lacks the warm and friendly atmosphere most indie coffee shops try so hard to achieve. But they're well aware of their disaffected coolness, happy to serve the slews of tattooed hipsters who pour into the place throughout the day. We each ordered a house blend, took a seat at a very Jetsons-looking V-shaped glass table in the back and prepared to take a long hard drag from the Blazer Blunt.

Most likely based on the assumption that NBA players like to smoke up, the BB was created in honor of the Portland Trailblazers. A cinnamon yeast donut, tapered just like the real thing, with maple frosting and blazing red sprinkles on the tip, this blunt could most definitely hold its own against Cheech and Chong's fat zeppelin. On game days, if the Blazers score 85 points the Blunt sells for $.85, if they don't it goes for $1. The dough is Voodoo's standard issue yeast-raised – light, a little chewy and filled with negative space – coated with a perfectly balanced cinnamon-sugar mixture. The frosting harks back to our Sunday afternoon Maple Bar while the sprinkles provide a final bit of texture to this wonderful and innovative Nut. Plus the convenient elongated shape makes it easy to eat.

Once finished with both coffee and Blunt, we headed back to the hotel to pack up for our day trip to the rocky Oregon coast. It was here that we enjoyed our second Nut of the day, the Grape Ape. Again, the Ape is a yeast-raised Doughnut, but this time smeared with vanilla frosting and sprinkled with bright purple "grape powder" (whatever that is). This Nut is pure genius, really some of Voodoo's finest work. There's really not much to say about it other than that it tastes like a big swig of Grape Crush, and is so far our favorite Voodoo Doughnut.

Our final Nut of the day is another feat of flavor ingenuity, named for the famed summertime enjoyment, the Arnold Palmer (half iced tea and half lemonade). Just like the drink, this small, plain-cake Doughnut, topped with vanilla frosting and sprinkled with lemon and tea powder tastes light, sugary and refreshing. It soon has us sitting poolside with a lobster-red sun burn and a big bag of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers, a common Blognut childhood occurrence often accompanied by mom's self-mixed Palmer. The best part of the AP is a single green Fruit Loop frozen mid-fall into the Doughnut hole.

We finished the Nut, hopped in the car and began our windy, mountainous drive to the coast.

Doughnut Scores:

Blazer Blunt -

Grape Ape (Blognut loves faux grape) -

Arnold Palmer -

To be continued...